adios 2009

Goooodddbye 2009.....

I will be seeing you 2010....IN MIAMI....the BAHAMAS...ST.THOMAS...GRAN TURK....anddddd SAN JUAN PUERTO RICO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wish me luck on my trip!

Missing

I am the worst!!!

But in other news, I am still not preggo. I go and see a new RE on the 21st of January. And we're back to taking Clomid...hopefully...in March again...so I will be due in December again....that way I don't have to worry about anything.

I miss my old blog, a lot! But you know how it goes...things change...but I reallly super miss it!

I leave for the cruise Saturday (well for Miami) and then we set sail on Sunday...and go to so many great places! I will be posting tons of pictures! Don't you worry!!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more followers??? Just let me know!!!

Yesterday

Yesterday was my due date...and, I was not in bad shape at all. I hardly thought about it!!!

Today is another new day...and I will shine through it all.

In other news...I still have some Christmas shopping to do! Wish me luck!

Anddd the party.....

Was a bust....

Basically...out of the 60 plus gifts to open for the Yankee Swap....I opened the ONE gift that stopped...silented...and made EVERYONE feel awkward.....a ten dollar gift....which was actually a gift card for $25.00 to Babies R Us.

WHY didn't the person who brought the gift say...."Steph, actually can you open a different one"....and WHY did my family have to get so quiet? HONESTLY?

So...other than that...there was no baby there...just a little girl about 2 ish...who played with me all night....

It's complicated

I am sorry that I have been a bad blogger. But without law school/studying/being insanely busy.....I don't know how to relax...other than sleep! So I have been sleeping...a lot....that and eating...BUT I haven't been gaining any weight!

So...I have a family party tonight...and I am not excited....basically there is a few days until my due date...and there will be a brand new baby at the party....it's fine. I will be ok. And I will hold the baby....because I like to horrify myself...and make sure I stay insanely sad...yea...sort of my way to self mutilate!

But that is that! OHHHHHH and we leave for the cruise SOOO soon! THANK GOD....all this tanning is drying out my skin! :)

Baby

I would have been almost 39 weeks pregnant, or would have already given birth to our baby.

It's a hardddd week.

That is all... :(

And then there was one

I already posted that I have one final left, one that is worth 95% of my grade...

BUT I have no urge to study. I am pooped. I have been in bed by 9ish every night!!! I need someone to help me get pumped!!!

In other news I have lessss than one month to the cruise! I just received my bathing suit, flip-flops, and Tank I ordered from Victoria Secrets...andddd I am a medium!!!! (I ordered a large too...but I am returning it!)

I haven't really started Xmas shopping...but I only have my dad, my mom, and his parents to buy for....I got my brother a gift certificate the other day...soooo yeah...I need to get on that!

Yeah, boring post...I know...I will spice it up soon! I promise! Well, when I get my life back!

Today SUCKED

Just saying....after driving for two hours, ten minutes before I get where I am going....and this lovely women rear-ends me.....yes....I AM HIT....

I understand that it is inclement weather....6+ inches of snow....but for GOD sakes...why would you EVER be THAT close to someone....KNOWING that you may slide into them...

AND then after you hit them...why would you laugh...LAUGH....lady....I am ALLLLLL done with that nonsense!

OH and my LAST final for the semester is MONDAY....wish me luck....Off to study the rest of my week off! (OH and this weeks final went good...I think)

How to Date a FIRST YEAR Law Student.

I found this on facebook. AMAZING....

How to Date a 1L

Fidelity:
• Just because I never call you back or I text you a week later, does not mean I’m not interested, or I’m cheating on you. Really, I'm not that deep. I don’t have time to even consider what kind of signal I’m sending or how you might interpret it. I'm just not sending it because I. Did. Not. Have. Time.
• Just because I talk about that guy/girl from my class incessantly does not mean we are sleeping together. I actually don’t even like him/her, we just spend 14 hours a day together so it’s hard not to repeat their name.
• Speaking of sex…when I have a window of opportunity, you need to drop everything. That window might close in 5 minutes and it might not come again until after LRW.
• And if I only last those 5 minutes, it’s no indication of my real performance ability– it’s just that I have to get back to the library.

Communication & Language:
• If you want me to actually read your email, label it with the name of one of my classes (civpro, con law, exam, etc).
• If you get a real live phone call consider yourself lucky, it’s the equivalent to spending a day together.
• Essentially we’re down to text messages and a booty call.
• I may talk funny and disproportionately use the words burden, rational, substantial, reasonable….and injury. See attached Glossary of Terms in the Index. Please know what LRW stands for and that a Tort is not edible but that I can’t explain exactly what it means either.
• Please download the attached LRW schedule into your PDA. Circle those days in your calendar and know that the 7 days preceding I will turn into a psychopath.
• My sense of humor might seem a bit warped because I can now joke about murder, rape, euthanasia, and sexual harassment. It’s really a sign of maturity and nothing else, but you might not understand.
• Know my professor’s names, nicknames, idiosyncrasies, and physical endowments or abnormalities. It’s not strange, but funny that I comment on their genitals, facial hair, boxing ability, or how they’d look naked. I have to sit and watch them everyday, what else would you start thinking about? Nod when I begin to channel them, and if you can mimic them back – even better.

Support:
• Don’t ever, I repeat EVER, try to encourage me by using the word ‘fine’ in any iteration. I.e. “I’m sure you’ll/it/everything will do/be fine” is prohibited. o Instead, when I am complaining or crying, remind me how incredibly hard this is and that you can’t believe how I am able to make it, the only answer is that I have superhuman strengths and therefore I deserve mad props. And tell me I am going to be an excellent lawyer.
• I have no idea what is going on in the outside world so I might sound a little ignorant when we’re talking with your parents. Please don’t make me feel worse – just whisper a few current events nuggets into my ear, I can make up the rest. Remember, I’m a lawyer.
• Gifts you ask? Food, food, and food. Preferably of the hot-meal variety - please no granola bars, any bars, sandwiches, pizza, or 85c cookies. Or you can send me an assistant who will do things for me that a normal person has time for like: laundry, taking out the garbage, paying my bills, changing my sheets, reminding me to shower…
• On the subject of gifts - you won’t be getting anything for a while, and thank you for understanding that I have forgotten your birthday and Christmas. For the next 3 years. Valentine’s Day – not a chance, it’s a made up holiday anyway.

Aesthetics:
• I am well aware that I look like crap on a stick. Just wait ‘til May.o And don’t remind me. Instead of telling me I look really tired, try this: “You look like you really could use a massage, here – put your feet up”.
• When we first met I know you probably liked my fresh, youthful baby face. Learn to embrace the new rugged, creased, homeless-man at times look.
• My shower and primp frequency might not be where it used to be. And around those circled LRW days in your calendar, it will be close to zero.• I will brush my teeth though - for me that is ‘dressing up’.

MERRRRRYYYYYY....wait..it's not Christmas yet

Dave and I have been very excited for the Holidays!


We had everyone (I mean 12ish people) in his immediate family over yesterday..plus my dad and his fiance (who he will never marry) for our first Thanksgiving Dinner.

It went off...without a hitch....not so much! As soon as Dave's dad walked in *the first guests to arrive were his mom, dad and grandmother* he dropped the dessert. His mom made a truffle...layered with ...

That is where I wrote to....that is where I tried to continue from at least four or five times. I am just not in the mood to finish .... I will tell you that the desserts were fine, the family was fine, Dave was anxious, and welll....everything was fine.

I bought Dave a tv for Christmas, a tv in which he is convinced that there is something wrong with the sound and now wants to bring back. And he can not find the receipt, but that is my fault.

I made an appt with the NEW RE...from the same Boston Hospital, but they are going to be at a different hospital near my house....so I do not have to drive down to Boston....I can literally drive 15 minutes from my door and be there! The RE is there every Thursday and one other day...but Thursdays will work for us. SO we have an appointment on the 21st for a consultation, and hopefully starting on Clomid (they also have me on a cancellation list, so I may be in sooner).

But that is it. Sorry about not posting, and being in a bad mood. I just hate when I get yelled at for things that I didn't do.

OH and don't even get me started with people at my school. Lets just say "SUCK IT UP" and if you need to be a child....and act like a child....GET OUT OF LAW SCHOOL....that is all....

Living Beyond Their Means

I have a friend who has been living beyond her means. And I do not care generally if someone does that...except this friend will complain to me that she is a. unhappy in her relationship with her husband b. complain that they have no money c. complain about medical bills for their daughter d. did I mention she will complain...

So what happens? She gets a BRAND new car from her husband. This will be great for the short end of things. She is unhappy with her marriage, so her husband does what he usually does...buys her whatever she wants. She has no money....but just bought a new car. And she has a daughter that has medical bills, etc...where she should be spending the money instead of the new car.

Again, I am happy that she is happy. But I am not happy that I will hear how unhappy she will be soon. Things do not make people happy. I am sorry....but they don't!

Not Me Monday.....

WELCOME to my FIRST Not Me! Monday! Post!

This is a blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
I have NOT been acting like a rock star...pulling all nighters to watch NEWMOON....I have not spent MORE money then I should have....to go see the movie twice and have a girls night!

I have NOT been frustrated with friends for blowing me off. I mean, I don't mind if you don't want to hang out....but can you let me know so I make other plans? Seriously? It is just common courtesy! It is not like I really needed plans for Friday night...but if you need to break them....PLEASE GOD let me know....so I know NOT to wait around!

I have NOT been feeling anxious about babies....it is not like I have been subjecting myself to pregnant people....or two....or everyone I know that is pregnant. I did NOT get jealous that the two preggos (that I always invite together, not separately) made plans that did not include me....awesome.....

I have NOT been feeling conflicted with the whole pregnancy thing. I do want a baby. I do want to have a family. But I am so worried about everything. I know I was on a "break" from trying in Aug,Sept,Oct....but now we have been trying without fertility drugs....and if AF doesn't show the first week of December....then we obviously have to test! BUT is it wrong NOT to feel conflicted? UGHHH....it is such a tough subject for so many...

I have NOT been getting ready for my Thanksgiving Dinner @ my own house....I have NOT spent tons of money at Wal-Mart and Target to make sure that everything is perfect....and I did NOT invited 15 people....

FEW....that was a lot of "Nots"....I hope you enjoyed! I can't wait to read everyone else's NOT ME posts!! OH and I won an AWARD! :) I will post about it tomorrow! I now have to go and NOT study for my LawSchool Finals....DAMN finals!

NEW MOON x2 (here we go again)

Today is Saturday....and I slept. YES... I slept through my review for Property.....amazing....I went to bed at 10pm...and woke up at 8:45....I blame this on going to see New Moon at 3am....damn me for being 24 and unable to pull an "all nighter"....some girls at the show were talking about how they left the bars and came to the theatre....fun fun....ahhh to be 21 again...and not have responsibilities....wait...I DID...I WAS MARRIED AND HAD A MORTGAGE at 21! LOL!

BUT in other news...I created a car ride CD filled with Miley, Britney, LadyGAGA and a few others to listen to in the car while we drive to our Twilight/New Moon party!

I get to see it again!!!! BUT....only 2 of my friends are actually as excited as me (and one came with me for the 3am showing!)....sooo we shall see!!

Enjoy your Saturdays!!!

Exhausted

AHHHHHHH YESSS....NEW MOON........

I am so happy that I went to the movies...
but I am so exhausted...
AND I get to do it all again tomorrow!!
YEAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was so Corny, and funny, and I loveeeeeeeeeeed it!!
I can not wait to read all of these books again.....

DAMN YOU LAW SCHOOL FINALS....

Here is a picture of me and my friend with our "excited" faces!

Dreams.....Really.....WTF

So I have been having the weirdest dreams! Seriously! I am a married women. Married and happy. No fighting, no arguing....PLUS we are getting a lot of you know what due to the fact that we are trying to make a baby (well...every other day type of deal...that is what the RE said to do)....BUT I keep having these dreams...w

I am usually 17ish and usually at a party. A high school party. I usually didn't go to parties...I was too busy with my boyfriend, friends, sports, etc. BUT here I am at a party, and I run into a bunch of people I know (in real life I have no idea who they are, I can not recognize any of them)...and I am single. Dave is there...and basically tells all the of the guys that I am his...And I "led" on someone in the dream...without meaning to! WICKED STRANGE HUH? I never even knew Dave until I was in college! AND did I also mention that I had a seriously boyfriend while I was in high school?

Can anyone help me interpret this dream? I woke up this morning feeling bad! I even told Dave about it! I led someone on! LOL!

IN OTHER NEWS...#twilightposse....today is the day....well, I should say....tomorrow morning VERY early...I will get to see NEW MOON!!! SAWWEEEETT!

NEWWWWW MOOOON!!!!!!!!!

So...I am a huge fan... AND I am going to a party on Saturday night to see the first "Twilight" movie, and THEN off to the movies to see "New Moon". BUT I talked a friend into going TOMORROW...for opening night....well Friday AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So those are TWO tickets already purchased for Friday and Saturday!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHOOOOOOOOO!!!

Twitter

Are you all on my twitter??? Am I following all of you?? Well....I made my private...for certain reasons....but if you would like to be my friend JUST ask...and I will add you...AND I love to follow other people...and do the @ reply thing ALL day long with my phone! :)

JUST click here to find me!

a BIG THANKS...

I wanted to write and thank all of you who commented on my last post. As most of you know, I struggle with IF...and those of you who have been through this can understand where I am coming from....and the other ladies I appreciate the caring comments!

I spoke to Dave about my last post...and he thought I was insane! He actually told me that he wants to keep me forever...baby or no baby.

It has been a tough road, but hey...I HAVE PROZAC to take a problems away! I was just kidding.... (even though I LOVE my crazy pills!!)

Yesterday we hung around the house, spent money at Wal-Mart on things that we don't particularly need...and just spent time together....we also received some mail this weekend....from a local Christian organization...with domestic adoption information. It is something that we are considering (that and fostering). I will keep you updated on all of it...but for now...I am just looking for the best organization to go with...if you know of any great ones PLEASE let me know....

Break Through

Last night we went to dinner at a friends house. It was actually the "play date" that Dave set up for us! It was a nice dinner party...and we ate a lot of homemade yummy food!

But we had a break through....well, Dave had one.

Both of the couples are having babies. Andrea is 18 weeks pregnant, and Jenna is 16 weeks pregnant. They both had bellies, they both talked about the kicking and moving of the babies, they both talked about what they wanted to have, they both talked about not doing the first trimester screening (which is what caused us to have the amnio, which showed us our babies disorder), they both talked about names, they both talked about the nursery....really....they are both so excited that they are starting their families that they talked about it!

I do not blame them for being so excited! I was so happy to be pregnant and start our family, and told everyone and anyone that would listen.

BUT on the way home, Dave realized that his "play date" might have actually made me very sad. He looked at me and said: "I am sorry that you are not pregnant, that you are not having a baby next month, and I don't want you to be so sad".

This was a huge breakthrough. Because I didn't say anything, he was the one who brought it up! It wasn't me....it was him! I also realized that he too is sad, and hurting from this. He just does not show it at all. And that made me feel even worse! I have been selfish. He married a dud. I am a dud. I can not give him a baby, and who knows if I can ever give him one. And he has only ever wanted a large family.

A little more

I have been struggling with a lot lately. Don't get me wrong. I am happy where I am. I am finally going forward in my life.

I am 24, happily married, doing well in my first semester in law school. BUT I still feel like I am missing out on so much.

Yesterday I visited with a freind who had a baby last January. I was due last January. I asked her about her daughters birthday party, etc and she then asked me some really though questions. I never have been asked how I am doing, really doing. And well, I am not good. She asked if I think about the baby, and all I could say was yes, every day...all day.

She said that it must be hard to go and be there and hold her baby, but I told the truth. It wasn't that bad. That her baby is not my baby. It is hers. And I told her that it is good for me to move forward in life. But I ocassionally look back. She asked me if I kept all my pictures (sonograms), and I told her the truth, yes, I still have them all. They are in a box in the closet of the room that was supposed to be decorated as a nursery right now. I still have the album on my facebook as well, I just can not bring myself to delete the pictures. If I could just hit delete and have the hurt go away I would. But it is still here.

Even when I am watching a movie.."UP" for instance....I was with a few people and their children watching the movie. The first scenes show the life of the couple....growing old together. And they loose a baby. It was as if I was the elephant in the room. They all looked at me, and didn't know what to say, think or do.

So yes, I am reminded every day. When I get on the scale and see that I am loosing so much weight, I think...wow...I would be sooo much heavier if I was 8 months pregnant. My life would be so much different right now. And I honestly can say that I would be so much happier. December would bring happiness, not sadness. I honestly can say that on the 21st, I will be a wreck...a complete and total wreck. I was so proud of myself last year in January...but I think it is because I never got to see/hear/meet the baby. I did however see/feel/hear my last baby...and I am still heartbroken.

I have new goals, and I am looking forward to them. But like I said...it's hard to not look back and wish that things were different, that things turned out differently.

TOMORROW

Is weigh in day.....and I definitely ate three pieces of pizza and three mozzarella sticks tonight for dinner....WHY did I do that??

I have all my flex points, so I am not that unhappy....but if this messes up my weight watchers weigh in...I will be a little pe'od with myself....UGH....

ALSO tomorrow is Friday....you would think that I would be happy about it?! NOPE...that means that the next day is Saturday...and I have to be at school by the crack ass of dawn to get my study on....FINALS are three weeks away...this means my first semester of Law School will be over...and hopefully I pass my classes to get into the next semester!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEK!

SO...have a good day tomorrow if I don't get to comment/post.....and WISH me luck!

Playdates..

My husband has been planning play dates for me...basically he wants me to make new friends...so he is setting up times for me to hangout with wives of the men he works with!!!

I don't mind being friends with these ladies...but it is just sooooo strange to be "set up" on play dates...I am not 7...I am 24!!!!

Has your so done anything like this????

Found YOU!

I found a lot of you yesterday!! I have wanted to comment on all your post, but there are a lot of posts I have to catch up on!!! But I will be commenting soon!!!!

I am sooo happy that SO many of you have found out that you are pregnant!!! I am so happy!!!! :)

As for Dave and I, we have decided to just let it happen. Since my weight loss, my anovulation has changed. I have had 2 normal cycles!! So, no fertility drugs for a while, well, we meet with our RE in January, so we shall see!! BUT wish us luck for this month!!

I am realllly glad to be back!!!!

Weight Watchers WORKS for Me!

I have lost 18lbs since September. And I have done so by using WW! Yes...I have been eating healthy for the past few months....and I am so proud of myself! WAHOO!!! Friday is my weigh in day..and I hope to loose at least seven more pounds in the next seven weeks! We leave for our vacation then....and I will not be that unhappy if I don't loose that weight...I would LOVE to though!

A NEW Friend

So for those who don't know me...I have a few good friends, a lot of friend friends and a lot of people I am just very nice to!

So we had people over this weekend, Daves friends from work and their wives! I met one already, her name is Andrea...and we get along just fine. And I JUST met Jenna. She is really nice, sarcastic, and well...sassy (like me)!

So I feel strange blogging about it, but I am excited! Lol! A new friend!!! She invited us over for dinner at her and her husbands place Saturday...and we're going to go!

Soooo that's it! I made a friend, and I am excited! LOL! Wish me luck!!!!

And...the blogging can finally begin

So my life has been crazy...as most of you know...and I have decided that I needed to release all of this in a blog...and I have missed my old blog...SO I need to find all my favorites again...and I hope they can re-find me!

So...

I have been gone for a bit....but....I can now be found here.....

I miss MyStarAndWish alot.....and I tried to start up other blogs, and they just were not me. I miss being me....

So here is toooo another new beginning!!!!!!!!!!!!!