Missing

I am the worst!!!

But in other news, I am still not preggo. I go and see a new RE on the 21st of January. And we're back to taking Clomid...hopefully...in March again...so I will be due in December again....that way I don't have to worry about anything.

I miss my old blog, a lot! But you know how it goes...things change...but I reallly super miss it!

I leave for the cruise Saturday (well for Miami) and then we set sail on Sunday...and go to so many great places! I will be posting tons of pictures! Don't you worry!!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more followers??? Just let me know!!!

Yesterday

Yesterday was my due date...and, I was not in bad shape at all. I hardly thought about it!!!

Today is another new day...and I will shine through it all.

In other news...I still have some Christmas shopping to do! Wish me luck!

Anddd the party.....

Was a bust....

Basically...out of the 60 plus gifts to open for the Yankee Swap....I opened the ONE gift that stopped...silented...and made EVERYONE feel awkward.....a ten dollar gift....which was actually a gift card for $25.00 to Babies R Us.

WHY didn't the person who brought the gift say...."Steph, actually can you open a different one"....and WHY did my family have to get so quiet? HONESTLY?

So...other than that...there was no baby there...just a little girl about 2 ish...who played with me all night....

It's complicated

I am sorry that I have been a bad blogger. But without law school/studying/being insanely busy.....I don't know how to relax...other than sleep! So I have been sleeping...a lot....that and eating...BUT I haven't been gaining any weight!

So...I have a family party tonight...and I am not excited....basically there is a few days until my due date...and there will be a brand new baby at the party....it's fine. I will be ok. And I will hold the baby....because I like to horrify myself...and make sure I stay insanely sad...yea...sort of my way to self mutilate!

But that is that! OHHHHHH and we leave for the cruise SOOO soon! THANK GOD....all this tanning is drying out my skin! :)

Baby

I would have been almost 39 weeks pregnant, or would have already given birth to our baby.

It's a hardddd week.

That is all... :(

MERRRRRYYYYYY....wait..it's not Christmas yet

Dave and I have been very excited for the Holidays!


We had everyone (I mean 12ish people) in his immediate family over yesterday..plus my dad and his fiance (who he will never marry) for our first Thanksgiving Dinner.

It went off...without a hitch....not so much! As soon as Dave's dad walked in *the first guests to arrive were his mom, dad and grandmother* he dropped the dessert. His mom made a truffle...layered with ...

That is where I wrote to....that is where I tried to continue from at least four or five times. I am just not in the mood to finish .... I will tell you that the desserts were fine, the family was fine, Dave was anxious, and welll....everything was fine.

I bought Dave a tv for Christmas, a tv in which he is convinced that there is something wrong with the sound and now wants to bring back. And he can not find the receipt, but that is my fault.

I made an appt with the NEW RE...from the same Boston Hospital, but they are going to be at a different hospital near my house....so I do not have to drive down to Boston....I can literally drive 15 minutes from my door and be there! The RE is there every Thursday and one other day...but Thursdays will work for us. SO we have an appointment on the 21st for a consultation, and hopefully starting on Clomid (they also have me on a cancellation list, so I may be in sooner).

But that is it. Sorry about not posting, and being in a bad mood. I just hate when I get yelled at for things that I didn't do.

OH and don't even get me started with people at my school. Lets just say "SUCK IT UP" and if you need to be a child....and act like a child....GET OUT OF LAW SCHOOL....that is all....

Not Me Monday.....

WELCOME to my FIRST Not Me! Monday! Post!

This is a blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
I have NOT been acting like a rock star...pulling all nighters to watch NEWMOON....I have not spent MORE money then I should have....to go see the movie twice and have a girls night!

I have NOT been frustrated with friends for blowing me off. I mean, I don't mind if you don't want to hang out....but can you let me know so I make other plans? Seriously? It is just common courtesy! It is not like I really needed plans for Friday night...but if you need to break them....PLEASE GOD let me know....so I know NOT to wait around!

I have NOT been feeling anxious about babies....it is not like I have been subjecting myself to pregnant people....or two....or everyone I know that is pregnant. I did NOT get jealous that the two preggos (that I always invite together, not separately) made plans that did not include me....awesome.....

I have NOT been feeling conflicted with the whole pregnancy thing. I do want a baby. I do want to have a family. But I am so worried about everything. I know I was on a "break" from trying in Aug,Sept,Oct....but now we have been trying without fertility drugs....and if AF doesn't show the first week of December....then we obviously have to test! BUT is it wrong NOT to feel conflicted? UGHHH....it is such a tough subject for so many...

I have NOT been getting ready for my Thanksgiving Dinner @ my own house....I have NOT spent tons of money at Wal-Mart and Target to make sure that everything is perfect....and I did NOT invited 15 people....

FEW....that was a lot of "Nots"....I hope you enjoyed! I can't wait to read everyone else's NOT ME posts!! OH and I won an AWARD! :) I will post about it tomorrow! I now have to go and NOT study for my LawSchool Finals....DAMN finals!

a BIG THANKS...

I wanted to write and thank all of you who commented on my last post. As most of you know, I struggle with IF...and those of you who have been through this can understand where I am coming from....and the other ladies I appreciate the caring comments!

I spoke to Dave about my last post...and he thought I was insane! He actually told me that he wants to keep me forever...baby or no baby.

It has been a tough road, but hey...I HAVE PROZAC to take a problems away! I was just kidding.... (even though I LOVE my crazy pills!!)

Yesterday we hung around the house, spent money at Wal-Mart on things that we don't particularly need...and just spent time together....we also received some mail this weekend....from a local Christian organization...with domestic adoption information. It is something that we are considering (that and fostering). I will keep you updated on all of it...but for now...I am just looking for the best organization to go with...if you know of any great ones PLEASE let me know....

Break Through

Last night we went to dinner at a friends house. It was actually the "play date" that Dave set up for us! It was a nice dinner party...and we ate a lot of homemade yummy food!

But we had a break through....well, Dave had one.

Both of the couples are having babies. Andrea is 18 weeks pregnant, and Jenna is 16 weeks pregnant. They both had bellies, they both talked about the kicking and moving of the babies, they both talked about what they wanted to have, they both talked about not doing the first trimester screening (which is what caused us to have the amnio, which showed us our babies disorder), they both talked about names, they both talked about the nursery....really....they are both so excited that they are starting their families that they talked about it!

I do not blame them for being so excited! I was so happy to be pregnant and start our family, and told everyone and anyone that would listen.

BUT on the way home, Dave realized that his "play date" might have actually made me very sad. He looked at me and said: "I am sorry that you are not pregnant, that you are not having a baby next month, and I don't want you to be so sad".

This was a huge breakthrough. Because I didn't say anything, he was the one who brought it up! It wasn't me....it was him! I also realized that he too is sad, and hurting from this. He just does not show it at all. And that made me feel even worse! I have been selfish. He married a dud. I am a dud. I can not give him a baby, and who knows if I can ever give him one. And he has only ever wanted a large family.

A little more

I have been struggling with a lot lately. Don't get me wrong. I am happy where I am. I am finally going forward in my life.

I am 24, happily married, doing well in my first semester in law school. BUT I still feel like I am missing out on so much.

Yesterday I visited with a freind who had a baby last January. I was due last January. I asked her about her daughters birthday party, etc and she then asked me some really though questions. I never have been asked how I am doing, really doing. And well, I am not good. She asked if I think about the baby, and all I could say was yes, every day...all day.

She said that it must be hard to go and be there and hold her baby, but I told the truth. It wasn't that bad. That her baby is not my baby. It is hers. And I told her that it is good for me to move forward in life. But I ocassionally look back. She asked me if I kept all my pictures (sonograms), and I told her the truth, yes, I still have them all. They are in a box in the closet of the room that was supposed to be decorated as a nursery right now. I still have the album on my facebook as well, I just can not bring myself to delete the pictures. If I could just hit delete and have the hurt go away I would. But it is still here.

Even when I am watching a movie.."UP" for instance....I was with a few people and their children watching the movie. The first scenes show the life of the couple....growing old together. And they loose a baby. It was as if I was the elephant in the room. They all looked at me, and didn't know what to say, think or do.

So yes, I am reminded every day. When I get on the scale and see that I am loosing so much weight, I think...wow...I would be sooo much heavier if I was 8 months pregnant. My life would be so much different right now. And I honestly can say that I would be so much happier. December would bring happiness, not sadness. I honestly can say that on the 21st, I will be a wreck...a complete and total wreck. I was so proud of myself last year in January...but I think it is because I never got to see/hear/meet the baby. I did however see/feel/hear my last baby...and I am still heartbroken.

I have new goals, and I am looking forward to them. But like I said...it's hard to not look back and wish that things were different, that things turned out differently.

Found YOU!

I found a lot of you yesterday!! I have wanted to comment on all your post, but there are a lot of posts I have to catch up on!!! But I will be commenting soon!!!!

I am sooo happy that SO many of you have found out that you are pregnant!!! I am so happy!!!! :)

As for Dave and I, we have decided to just let it happen. Since my weight loss, my anovulation has changed. I have had 2 normal cycles!! So, no fertility drugs for a while, well, we meet with our RE in January, so we shall see!! BUT wish us luck for this month!!

I am realllly glad to be back!!!!