I am the worst!!!
But in other news, I am still not preggo. I go and see a new RE on the 21st of January. And we're back to taking Clomid...hopefully...in March again...so I will be due in December again....that way I don't have to worry about anything.
I miss my old blog, a lot! But you know how it goes...things change...but I reallly super miss it!
I leave for the cruise Saturday (well for Miami) and then we set sail on Sunday...and go to so many great places! I will be posting tons of pictures! Don't you worry!!
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more followers??? Just let me know!!!
Showing posts with label december. Show all posts
Showing posts with label december. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Not Me Monday.....
I have NOT been frustrated with friends for blowing me off. I mean, I don't mind if you don't want to hang out....but can you let me know so I make other plans? Seriously? It is just common courtesy! It is not like I really needed plans for Friday night...but if you need to break them....PLEASE GOD let me know....so I know NOT to wait around!
I have NOT been feeling anxious about babies....it is not like I have been subjecting myself to pregnant people....or two....or everyone I know that is pregnant. I did NOT get jealous that the two preggos (that I always invite together, not separately) made plans that did not include me....awesome.....
I have NOT been feeling conflicted with the whole pregnancy thing. I do want a baby. I do want to have a family. But I am so worried about everything. I know I was on a "break" from trying in Aug,Sept,Oct....but now we have been trying without fertility drugs....and if AF doesn't show the first week of December....then we obviously have to test! BUT is it wrong NOT to feel conflicted? UGHHH....it is such a tough subject for so many...
I have NOT been getting ready for my Thanksgiving Dinner @ my own house....I have NOT spent tons of money at Wal-Mart and Target to make sure that everything is perfect....and I did NOT invited 15 people....
FEW....that was a lot of "Nots"....I hope you enjoyed! I can't wait to read everyone else's NOT ME posts!! OH and I won an AWARD! :) I will post about it tomorrow! I now have to go and NOT study for my LawSchool Finals....DAMN finals!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Break Through
Last night we went to dinner at a friends house. It was actually the "play date" that Dave set up for us! It was a nice dinner party...and we ate a lot of homemade yummy food!
But we had a break through....well, Dave had one.
Both of the couples are having babies. Andrea is 18 weeks pregnant, and Jenna is 16 weeks pregnant. They both had bellies, they both talked about the kicking and moving of the babies, they both talked about what they wanted to have, they both talked about not doing the first trimester screening (which is what caused us to have the amnio, which showed us our babies disorder), they both talked about names, they both talked about the nursery....really....they are both so excited that they are starting their families that they talked about it!
I do not blame them for being so excited! I was so happy to be pregnant and start our family, and told everyone and anyone that would listen.
BUT on the way home, Dave realized that his "play date" might have actually made me very sad. He looked at me and said: "I am sorry that you are not pregnant, that you are not having a baby next month, and I don't want you to be so sad".
This was a huge breakthrough. Because I didn't say anything, he was the one who brought it up! It wasn't me....it was him! I also realized that he too is sad, and hurting from this. He just does not show it at all. And that made me feel even worse! I have been selfish. He married a dud. I am a dud. I can not give him a baby, and who knows if I can ever give him one. And he has only ever wanted a large family.
But we had a break through....well, Dave had one.
Both of the couples are having babies. Andrea is 18 weeks pregnant, and Jenna is 16 weeks pregnant. They both had bellies, they both talked about the kicking and moving of the babies, they both talked about what they wanted to have, they both talked about not doing the first trimester screening (which is what caused us to have the amnio, which showed us our babies disorder), they both talked about names, they both talked about the nursery....really....they are both so excited that they are starting their families that they talked about it!
I do not blame them for being so excited! I was so happy to be pregnant and start our family, and told everyone and anyone that would listen.
BUT on the way home, Dave realized that his "play date" might have actually made me very sad. He looked at me and said: "I am sorry that you are not pregnant, that you are not having a baby next month, and I don't want you to be so sad".
This was a huge breakthrough. Because I didn't say anything, he was the one who brought it up! It wasn't me....it was him! I also realized that he too is sad, and hurting from this. He just does not show it at all. And that made me feel even worse! I have been selfish. He married a dud. I am a dud. I can not give him a baby, and who knows if I can ever give him one. And he has only ever wanted a large family.
Friday, November 13, 2009
A little more
I have been struggling with a lot lately. Don't get me wrong. I am happy where I am. I am finally going forward in my life.
I am 24, happily married, doing well in my first semester in law school. BUT I still feel like I am missing out on so much.
Yesterday I visited with a freind who had a baby last January. I was due last January. I asked her about her daughters birthday party, etc and she then asked me some really though questions. I never have been asked how I am doing, really doing. And well, I am not good. She asked if I think about the baby, and all I could say was yes, every day...all day.
She said that it must be hard to go and be there and hold her baby, but I told the truth. It wasn't that bad. That her baby is not my baby. It is hers. And I told her that it is good for me to move forward in life. But I ocassionally look back. She asked me if I kept all my pictures (sonograms), and I told her the truth, yes, I still have them all. They are in a box in the closet of the room that was supposed to be decorated as a nursery right now. I still have the album on my facebook as well, I just can not bring myself to delete the pictures. If I could just hit delete and have the hurt go away I would. But it is still here.
Even when I am watching a movie.."UP" for instance....I was with a few people and their children watching the movie. The first scenes show the life of the couple....growing old together. And they loose a baby. It was as if I was the elephant in the room. They all looked at me, and didn't know what to say, think or do.
So yes, I am reminded every day. When I get on the scale and see that I am loosing so much weight, I think...wow...I would be sooo much heavier if I was 8 months pregnant. My life would be so much different right now. And I honestly can say that I would be so much happier. December would bring happiness, not sadness. I honestly can say that on the 21st, I will be a wreck...a complete and total wreck. I was so proud of myself last year in January...but I think it is because I never got to see/hear/meet the baby. I did however see/feel/hear my last baby...and I am still heartbroken.
I have new goals, and I am looking forward to them. But like I said...it's hard to not look back and wish that things were different, that things turned out differently.
I am 24, happily married, doing well in my first semester in law school. BUT I still feel like I am missing out on so much.
Yesterday I visited with a freind who had a baby last January. I was due last January. I asked her about her daughters birthday party, etc and she then asked me some really though questions. I never have been asked how I am doing, really doing. And well, I am not good. She asked if I think about the baby, and all I could say was yes, every day...all day.
She said that it must be hard to go and be there and hold her baby, but I told the truth. It wasn't that bad. That her baby is not my baby. It is hers. And I told her that it is good for me to move forward in life. But I ocassionally look back. She asked me if I kept all my pictures (sonograms), and I told her the truth, yes, I still have them all. They are in a box in the closet of the room that was supposed to be decorated as a nursery right now. I still have the album on my facebook as well, I just can not bring myself to delete the pictures. If I could just hit delete and have the hurt go away I would. But it is still here.
Even when I am watching a movie.."UP" for instance....I was with a few people and their children watching the movie. The first scenes show the life of the couple....growing old together. And they loose a baby. It was as if I was the elephant in the room. They all looked at me, and didn't know what to say, think or do.
So yes, I am reminded every day. When I get on the scale and see that I am loosing so much weight, I think...wow...I would be sooo much heavier if I was 8 months pregnant. My life would be so much different right now. And I honestly can say that I would be so much happier. December would bring happiness, not sadness. I honestly can say that on the 21st, I will be a wreck...a complete and total wreck. I was so proud of myself last year in January...but I think it is because I never got to see/hear/meet the baby. I did however see/feel/hear my last baby...and I am still heartbroken.
I have new goals, and I am looking forward to them. But like I said...it's hard to not look back and wish that things were different, that things turned out differently.
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